By Abi Beri, Integrative Holistic Therapist
What Is People-Pleasing Really?
People-pleasing goes far beyond being considerate or helpful. It’s a compulsive behavioral pattern where your sense of safety and self-worth becomes entirely dependent on others’ approval. Unlike healthy accommodation, people-pleasing involves systematically abandoning your authentic needs, desires, and boundaries to avoid conflict or potential rejection.
Research shows that people-pleasing behaviors often develop as adaptive responses to early relational trauma or inconsistent caregiving. What begins as a survival strategy in childhood can persist well into adulthood, creating significant psychological and physical health challenges.
Common Manifestations of People-Pleasing
Emotional patterns:
- Chronic anxiety when others seem upset or disappointed
- Difficulty identifying your own preferences or desires
- Overwhelming guilt when setting boundaries
- Fear of conflict or confrontation
- Constant worry about others’ opinions
Behavioral patterns:
- Automatic “yes” responses, even to unreasonable requests
- Over-apologizing for normal behaviors
- Taking responsibility for others’ emotions
- Avoiding expressing needs or preferences
- Exhausting yourself to help others
Physical manifestations:
- Chronic fatigue from emotional labor
- Tension headaches and muscle pain
- Digestive issues and sleep disruption
- Weakened immune system from chronic stress
The Neuroscience of People-Pleasing: Understanding the Fawn Response
People-pleasing is actually a neurobiological response known as “fawning” – one of four primary trauma responses identified by researchers. While most people are familiar with fight-or-flight responses, the fawn response involves appeasing potential threats through submission and accommodation.
How the Fawn Response Develops
The fawn response typically develops when:
- A child perceives that their safety depends on keeping caregivers happy
- Fighting back isn’t safe or possible
- Fleeing the situation isn’t an option
- The nervous system learns that submission ensures survival
Dr. Pete Walker’s research on complex trauma identifies fawning as particularly common among those who experienced emotional neglect, inconsistent parenting, or family systems where children’s emotional needs were consistently secondary to adult needs.
The Neurobiological Impact
When fawning becomes a primary coping strategy, several changes occur in the nervous system:
Hypervigilance to social cues: The brain becomes extraordinarily sensitive to others’ emotions, facial expressions, and energy, constantly scanning for signs of displeasure or potential rejection.
Suppressed authentic responses: The natural impulses toward self-advocacy, boundary-setting, and authentic expression become inhibited to avoid triggering others.
Dysregulated stress response: Chronic people-pleasing keeps the nervous system in a state of hyperarousal, leading to anxiety, depression, and physical health issues.
The Cultural Context: People-Pleasing in Irish Society
Irish cultural values around hospitality, community harmony, and avoiding conflict can sometimes inadvertently reinforce people-pleasing patterns. The cultural emphasis on being “sound,” accommodating, and avoiding “giving out” can make it challenging to recognize when healthy consideration crosses into self-abandoning people-pleasing.
Historical factors also play a role. Generations of Irish people developed survival strategies around accommodation and not “making waves” due to various forms of oppression and instability. These adaptive patterns, while once necessary, can become problematic when they persist in contexts where authentic expression is safe and beneficial.
Family Systems and Inherited Patterns
People-pleasing often runs through family systems across generations. Common family dynamics that foster people-pleasing include:
Parentification: Children who become responsible for their parents’ emotional needs often develop fawning responses to manage family stability.
Conditional love: Families where affection and acceptance depend on being “good” or meeting specific expectations teach children that love must be earned through compliance.
Emotional volatility: Growing up with unpredictable emotional environments teaches children to constantly monitor and manage others’ moods for safety.
Cultural trauma: Families carrying historical trauma may unconsciously teach children that standing out or asserting needs is dangerous.
The Physical Cost of Chronic People-Pleasing
Research demonstrates significant health impacts from chronic people-pleasing behaviors:
Nervous System Dysregulation
Constant hypervigilance to others’ needs while suppressing your own creates chronic stress activation. This leads to:
- Elevated cortisol levels affecting immune function
- Disrupted sleep patterns and anxiety disorders
- Digestive issues and inflammatory responses
- Chronic muscle tension and pain
Psychological Impact
People-pleasers often experience:
- Identity diffusion: Losing touch with authentic preferences and values
- Resentment and anger: Suppressed emotions eventually surface as irritability or depression
- Relationship difficulties: Authentic intimacy becomes impossible when constantly performing for approval
- Burnout and exhaustion: The constant emotional labor of managing others’ feelings is unsustainable
Somatic Understanding: How People-Pleasing Lives in the Body
People-pleasing isn’t just a mental pattern – it’s a full-body experience that involves specific muscular, respiratory, and energetic adaptations.
Physical Manifestations
Chronic muscle tension: Particularly in shoulders, jaw, and neck from constantly “bracing” against potential conflict or disappointment.
Shallow breathing: The nervous system remains in a state of hypervigilance, preventing the deep, relaxed breathing associated with safety.
Collapsed posture: The body may unconsciously make itself smaller and less threatening through rounded shoulders and compressed chest.
Digestive issues: The gut-brain connection means chronic stress from people-pleasing often manifests as stomach problems, IBS, or eating difficulties.
Reading Your Body’s Signals
Learning to distinguish between authentic desire and people-pleasing impulses requires developing somatic awareness:
Authentic “yes” sensations:
- Energy expansion in the chest and belly
- Breathing that deepens naturally
- Sense of aliveness or enthusiasm
- Body feels open and spacious
People-pleasing “yes” sensations:
- Contraction or tightness in chest or stomach
- Breath becomes shallow or held
- Sense of heaviness or depletion
- Body feels smaller or collapsed
Breaking Free: Evidence-Based Approaches to Recovery
Nervous System Regulation
The foundation of people-pleasing recovery involves teaching your nervous system that it’s safe to have needs, preferences, and boundaries.
Breathwork practices: Regular practice of extended exhale breathing (inhaling for 4, exhaling for 6-8 counts) helps shift the nervous system from hypervigilance to calm alertness.
Grounding techniques: Connecting with your physical body through movement, nature contact, or mindful awareness helps interrupt the pattern of living primarily in others’ reactions.
Co-regulation: Spending time with people who remain calm and accepting when you express authentic needs teaches your nervous system new possibilities for relationship.
Boundary Development
Healthy boundary-setting requires both internal work (knowing what you want) and external skills (communicating those needs effectively).
Internal boundary work:
- Regular check-ins with your body’s responses
- Identifying authentic preferences without justifying them
- Practicing tolerating others’ disappointment without immediately accommodating
External boundary skills:
- Clear, non-defensive communication
- Offering alternatives when saying no
- Maintaining boundaries consistently despite pushback
Trauma Integration
For many people, recovering from people-pleasing requires addressing underlying attachment injuries and developmental trauma.
Reparenting work: Learning to offer yourself the unconditional acceptance you may not have received in childhood.
Family pattern awareness: Understanding how people-pleasing served your family system and choosing what to keep versus what to change.
Professional support: Working with therapists trained in trauma, family systems, or somatic approaches can provide crucial support for deeper healing.
MEDITATION RESOURCE: Sacred Rebellion Practice
One powerful tool for people-pleasing recovery is meditation work that specifically addresses the nervous system patterns underlying approval-seeking behavior. The “Sacred Rebellion” meditation helps you:
- Recognize the difference between authentic accommodation and compulsive people-pleasing
- Practice staying connected to your authentic desires even when others might disapprove
- Develop internal safety that doesn’t depend on others’ reactions
- Transform guilt about boundaries into self-compassion
- Access the courage needed for authentic self-expression
This type of somatic meditation work addresses people-pleasing at the nervous system level, helping create lasting change beyond intellectual understanding alone.
Practical Steps for Daily Recovery
Morning Practices
Body check-in: Before checking your phone or engaging with others, spend 2-3 minutes feeling your body and asking, “What do I need today?”
Intention setting: Rather than planning your day around others’ needs, identify one authentic desire for yourself.
Throughout the Day
The sacred pause: When someone makes a request, practice saying, “Let me think about that and get back to you” to create space for authentic response.
Somatic scanning: Regular check-ins with your body’s expansion (yes) or contraction (no) responses to various situations and requests.
Evening Reflection
Authentic appreciation: Notice moments when you honored your authentic responses, regardless of others’ reactions.
Gentle correction: If you people-pleased during the day, offer yourself compassion rather than criticism and consider how you might respond differently next time.
The Recovery Process: What to Expect
Early Stages (Weeks 1-8)
- Increased awareness of people-pleasing patterns
- Anxiety when beginning to set boundaries
- Physical symptoms as your nervous system adjusts
- Resistance from others accustomed to your accommodation
Middle Stages (Months 2-6)
- Growing comfort with authentic expression
- Clearer sense of personal preferences and values
- Improved energy levels as you stop over-giving
- Some relationship changes as dynamics shift
Integration Phase (Months 6-18)
- Natural boundary-setting without constant effort
- Relationships based on authentic connection rather than performance
- Increased creativity and life satisfaction
- Ability to support others without losing yourself
Ongoing Maintenance
- Regular practices that keep you connected to your authentic self
- Continued growth in relationships and self-expression
- Contributing to others from overflow rather than depletion
Common Challenges and How to Navigate Them
“But I Like Helping Others”
People-pleasing recovery doesn’t mean becoming selfish or uncaring. It means distinguishing between helping from authentic desire versus helping from compulsive need to avoid others’ displeasure.
Authentic helping:
- Comes from genuine care and available energy
- Includes consideration of your own needs
- Feels nourishing rather than depleting
- Can include saying no when necessary
“Others Get Upset When I Set Boundaries”
This is normal and expected. People accustomed to your accommodation may initially react negatively to boundary-setting. This doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong – it means the system is adjusting to your healthy changes.
“I Don’t Know What I Actually Want”
Years of focusing on others’ needs can leave you disconnected from your own preferences. This awareness returns gradually through:
- Regular body-based check-ins
- Experimenting with small choices
- Noticing what energizes versus drains you
- Professional support for deeper exploration
“I Feel Guilty All the Time”
Guilt is a normal part of people-pleasing recovery. Your nervous system has learned that disappointing others is dangerous, so boundary-setting triggers guilt as a protective response. With practice and support, this guilt diminishes as your system learns that authentic relationship is safer than performative relationship.
The Ripple Effects: How Recovery Impacts Your Life
Personal Benefits
- Increased energy and vitality
- Clearer sense of identity and purpose
- Improved physical and mental health
- Greater creativity and self-expression
- More authentic relationships
Relational Benefits
- Deeper intimacy with people who appreciate your authentic self
- Natural weeding out of relationships based on what you could provide rather than who you are
- Modeling healthy boundaries for children, family, and friends
- Contributing to others from overflow rather than depletion
Professional Benefits
- Clearer communication and expectations at work
- Reduced burnout and overwhelm
- Better work-life balance
- Increased respect from colleagues and supervisors
Conclusion: The Journey Back to Yourself
People-pleasing recovery is ultimately a journey back to your authentic self – the person you were before you learned that your worth depended on others’ approval. This process requires patience, self-compassion, and often professional support, but the freedom and vitality that emerge are profound.
Understanding people-pleasing as a nervous system adaptation rather than a character flaw helps reduce shame and opens possibilities for genuine healing. With appropriate support and practice, it’s entirely possible to maintain your natural caring and consideration while also honoring your own needs and authentic self-expression.
About the Author: Abi Beri is an IPHM accredited Integrative Holistic Therapist and Family Constellation Facilitator specializing in somatic approaches to trauma recovery and authentic living. Based in Ireland with additional online practice globally, Abi combines nervous system science with holistic healing approaches.
Contact: For professional support with people-pleasing recovery, family constellation work, or somatic therapy, visit www.blissfulevolution.com, www.somatictherapyireland.com, or www.familyconstelationseurope.com. Sessions available in Dublin, Naas, Newbridge, and online internationally.
