TL;DR: Saying “the one inside me who is tired” instead of “I am tired” creates a small space between you and a difficult emotion, so you can be with the feeling rather than become it. It’s the core idea behind parts work and Internal Family Systems, without the jargon. Research on self-distancing and on naming emotions suggests this kind of language can reduce emotional distress. To practise: name the feeling (“the one inside me who is…”), notice where it sits in your body, and simply stay with it for a few breaths without trying to fix it. — Abi Beri, integrative somatic therapist
There’s a sentence most of us say dozens of times a week without noticing what it does to us. I’m tired. I’m anxious. I’m so angry right now.
It sounds harmless. But listen to the shape of it. In that sentence, there’s no space between you and the feeling. You are the tiredness. The tiredness is you. And there’s not much to do except wait for it to pass.
There’s another way to say it, and it’s the simplest tool I know for being with difficult emotions:
“The one inside me who is tired.”
What changes when you say “the one inside me”
Try it now, quietly. Notice how it lands differently.
In “I am tired”, there’s one character. In “the one inside me who is tired”, there are two. There’s the one who is tired, and there’s the one who has noticed. And that second one isn’t tired in quite the same way.
That small gap is where everything becomes possible. You can turn towards the tired one. You can ask what they need. You can sit with them. The feeling becomes a guest in your life rather than the whole of it.
The same works for every hard state. The one inside me who is anxious. The one inside me who is still thinking about that conversation. The one inside me who is reaching for the biscuits.
Parts work, without the jargon
If you’ve come across Internal Family Systems or other forms of parts work, you’ll recognise the idea. These approaches describe the mind as made up of many parts, each with its own feelings and jobs, and a deeper Self who can be with them all.
They’re valuable approaches, and in therapy the precision matters. But in everyday life the vocabulary can get in the way. People can spend years learning to classify their parts without ever sitting with one.
“The one inside me” asks for no diagram. It’s warmer than “part”, which can sound a bit mechanical. It’s a who, not a what. And it echoes language the contemplative traditions have used for centuries to speak to the parts of ourselves that aren’t the whole of ourselves.
Is there any research behind this?
Yes, and it’s encouraging.
Psychologists studying self-talk have found that the way we speak to ourselves under stress matters. In studies led by the psychologist Ethan Kross, people who talked to themselves with a little distance, using their own name or “you” rather than “I”, tended to handle stressful situations with less distress than those who used “I”.
Separate research on naming emotions, sometimes called affect labelling, suggests that putting a feeling into simple words can calm the brain’s alarm response.
“The one inside me who is tired” does both. It names the feeling, and it creates a little distance from it, without pushing it away.
What to do once you’ve named them
This is the part people expect to be complicated. It isn’t.
Once you’ve named the one inside you who is tired, don’t try to fix them. Don’t argue them out of it. Don’t reach for a technique. Just be with them.
Notice where in the body they seem to live. Rest a hand there if that helps. And stay, for a few breaths, the way you’d sit beside a friend who’s had a long day.
For many of us, this kind of attention is unfamiliar. The inner one may not respond the first time, or the tenth. But the body registers it every time. And over weeks and months, the one who has been ignored or criticised for years often begins to soften, simply because someone has finally turned towards them.
Using it in everyday life
The phrase is portable. It takes a second, and you don’t need to stop what you’re doing.
Drafting a text for the third time? The one inside me who is afraid of being misunderstood.
Irritated at the slow person on the escalator? The one inside me who is irritated, probably about something else entirely.
Suddenly sad on the train? The one inside me who is sad, and hasn’t said why yet.
Over time, this becomes a quiet inner conversation. You stop being run by your feelings and start being in relationship with them.
When the pain is bigger
Not every inner one is small. Some carry grief, shame or old hurt that has waited many years to be met.
For these, the phrase is a beginning, not the whole work. Some of what we carry isn’t meant to be held alone, and benefits from the steady presence of a skilled practitioner. Recognising that isn’t failure. Very often, being able to name the one inside you clearly is exactly what makes it possible to ask for help.
If that feels relevant, you’re welcome to explore one-to-one integrative somatic therapy or Family Constellation groups, where older, deeper inner ones often find room to be met.
A short practice to try today
Settle wherever you are. Let your body be supported.
Notice whether there’s an inner one asking for attention right now. Tired, anxious, restless, grieving, hopeful, angry.
Name them: “the one inside me who is…”
If several arrive at once, choose the loudest.
Then simply turn your attention towards them, as if they were someone sitting beside you who you’ve been ignoring for too long. You don’t need to say or do anything. Just let them know you’re here.
Notice what happens. A softening, a wave of feeling, or nothing at all. Whatever happens is fine. They have been seen.
Listen to the full talk
The full Sacred Talk, The One Inside You Who Is Tired, goes deeper into why this works, what to do when many inner ones arrive at once, and how the phrase slowly becomes a way of living. You can watch it above, or listen on Insight Timer, Spotify and SoundCloud.
Frequently asked questions
Is this the same as Internal Family Systems?
It draws on the same insight, that we’re made of many inner parts and can be in relationship with them, but it’s a simple, jargon-free practice for daily life rather than a therapy model.
Can I do this if I’ve never had therapy?
Yes. The phrase works for anyone. If you find yourself touching pain that feels too big to hold alone, that’s a good sign it’s time to seek support.
How often should I practise?
Little and often. A few seconds of naming during the day does more than one long session now and then.
What if nothing happens when I turn towards the feeling?
That’s very common. Being met is often unfamiliar for the inner ones. Keep coming back. The body notices, even when you don’t.
About the author
Abi Beri is an IPHM-accredited integrative somatic therapist and family constellation facilitator, with an HDip in Counselling and a Certified Trauma Professional credential. Based in Ireland, he works with individuals online worldwide and runs Family Constellation groups. Book a session.
If this article has stirred something difficult, please be gentle with yourself. In Ireland and the UK, Samaritans are available day and night on 116 123. This article is for information and isn’t a substitute for professional care.
