You were fine for months. Then an entirely ordinary Tuesday, and it is at full volume, and you think: I thought I had dealt with this.
By Abi Beri | Integrative Therapist & Nervous System Specialist · Dublin, Naas, Newbridge, Kildare & Online
TL;DR. BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT REMEMBERING. Part of the system RE-ENTERS THE STATE — the physiology rather than the story. Same heart rate, same posture, same age. YOU ARE BRIEFLY OPERATING IN THE WRONG TENSE. And it does not require an obvious reminder, because what got stored were CONDITIONS rather than narrative: a smell, a tone of voice, the quality of light in a hallway. The system recognises those faster than conscious thought and with no explanation, which is why it seems to arrive from nowhere. IT DID NOT COME FROM NOWHERE. It came from something too fast and too subtle to catch. THE RHYTHM IS DORMANCY AND FLARE, and here is where the cruelty is: a person in a good stretch concludes they are finished — so every flare arrives not just as pain but AS EVIDENCE OF FAILURE. You are not back at the start. YOU ARE IN A FLARE, AND FLARES END. Anniversary reactions are common and the body often knows the date before the mind does. AND THE MEASURE IS WRONG: stop measuring by whether it is gone. Measure how long the flare lasts, how fast you recognise it, and how much ordinary life continues while it happens. Those move. The presence of the ache frequently does not, and it is the least informative number available to you.
What a flare actually is
Quick answer: A memory is something you HAVE — you can hold it, turn it, put it down. This is different in kind. Part of you goes back into the state rather than recalling the event.
Which produces the specific frustration you already know: it arrives and you cannot say why, and then you feel unstable on top of everything else, because it seems to have come from nowhere.
Dormancy and flare — neither one is the verdict
| What a flare feels like it means | What it actually is |
| I am back at the start. | You are in a flare. Flares end. |
| The therapy did not work. | Treatment shortens flares; it does not delete the material. |
| I have lost all my progress. | Progress is measured in duration and recognition speed. |
| Something new is wrong. | Usually a condition was matched — a smell, a tone, a date. |
| I should be over this by now. | There is no date by which you were supposed to be finished. |
| The good months were a lie. | The dormancy was real. So is the flare. Both. |
Why good stretches make it worse
Quick answer: A person in a good stretch will conclude they are finished with it. Which means the next flare arrives not just as pain, but as evidence of failure — and that second layer is usually the heavier one.
People report a slump in early November for years without connecting it to anything until somebody asks. That is extremely common and worth knowing, because there is a great deal of difference between ‘everything is falling apart’ and ‘it is the second week of November again’.
What actually helps
- Stop measuring by whether it is gone. That is the wrong instrument and it will only ever tell you that you are failing. Measure flare LENGTH, recognition SPEED, and how much ordinary life continues meanwhile. Those move.
- Learn your calendar. Mark the hard weeks. Not to brace — to stop being ambushed.
- Do not make big decisions in a flare. Not about your relationship, your job, or your treatment. The state distorts the picture in a known direction and everything looks permanent from inside it.
- Tell somebody in advance. ‘I am usually not great around this time of year.’ That one sentence turns an unexplained withdrawal into something somebody can stand beside you in.
⚠️ And the correction that matters most. None of this is an argument against treatment. COMPLEX TRAUMA RESPONDS TO PROPER TREATMENT — genuinely and substantially. Flares get less frequent, less intense and shorter. Recognition arrives faster. The self-concept shifts, which is the part people think is impossible and is not. What treatment does NOT do is delete it — and a lot of people give up because it did not achieve the impossible thing, having achieved a great many of the possible ones. Look for somebody who works specifically with complex trauma; it is a real specialism and a fair question to ask directly. Start with your GP if you do not know where to begin. And if today is a heavy one, Samaritans 116 123, free, any hour.
Frequently asked questions
Why does trauma come back years later? Because you are not remembering — part of the system re-enters the state. The physiology rather than the story. And it stored conditions rather than narrative, which is why it arrives without an identifiable trigger.
Is a flare a relapse? No. Dormancy and flare are both real and neither is the verdict on where you are. You are not back at the start.
Why do I get worse at the same time every year? Anniversary reactions are common, and the body frequently knows the date before the mind does. Marking the calendar is not bracing — it is the difference between everything falling apart and it being that time of year again.
Does this mean therapy didn’t work? Almost certainly not. Treatment reduces flare frequency, intensity and duration and speeds recognition. It does not delete the material, and judging it by that standard is how people abandon something that was working.
How do I know if I’m making progress? Not by whether the ache is present. By how long flares last, how quickly you recognise one, and how much of ordinary life keeps going while it happens.
Do you work with complex trauma? Yes — integrative somatic therapy in person across Dublin, Naas, Newbridge and Kildare, and online globally. The pace is titrated, and I will say plainly if I think another modality would serve you better or alongside. Free 20-minute intro at somatictherapyireland.com.
About the author
Abi Beri is an Integrative Therapist, Family Constellation Facilitator and Nervous System Specialist based in Dublin, Ireland. He is trained in somatic methods, family constellations, polyvagal-informed practice and inner child work. He sees clients in person from a practice base across Dublin, Naas, Newbridge and the wider Kildare area, and online globally. More at somatictherapyireland.com and blissfulevolution.com.
Further reading
- World Health Organization (2019). ICD-11: Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (6B41).
- Herman, J. L. (1992). Trauma and Recovery. Basic Books.
- Walker, P. (2013). Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving.
- van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score. Viking.
- Boss, P. (2021). The Myth of Closure. Norton.
- WHO — ICD-11 — icd.who.int · the formal CPTSD criteria.
- One in Four Ireland — oneinfour.ie · specialist Irish complex-trauma psychotherapy.
- EMDR International Association — emdria.org · one of the treatments with strong evidence for complex trauma.
- Pete Walker — pete-walker.com · on flares and emotional flashbacks.
Irish support
- Samaritans Ireland — samaritans.org/ireland · free, 24/7 · call 116 123.
- Pieta House (Ireland) — pieta.ie · free crisis support · 1800 247 247 or text HELP to 51444.
- Aware Ireland — aware.ie · depression and anxiety support · 1800 80 48 48.
- HSE — Find a GP (Ireland) — hse.ie/find-a-gp · the door if you do not know where to begin.
- IACP — Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy — iacp.ie · find an accredited therapist in Ireland.
