Safe and closed is not the same as safe and alive.
By Abi Beri | Dublin, Naas & Newbridge
[Reading time: 10 minutes]
You might not call it a closed heart. You might call it being independent. Self-sufficient. Not needing anyone too much. You might call it being careful, or having high standards, or protecting your peace.
But here is what I notice in people who have closed their hearts: there is a tightness in the chest that never quite releases. A shallow breath that never quite deepens. A sense of holding — holding it together, holding people at arm’s length.
There is a loneliness that does not make sense on paper. You might have people around you. But there is a glass wall somewhere. You are with them, but not quite.
And when someone gets too close, something in you pulls back. Creates distance. Finds a reason to withdraw.
This is what a guarded heart looks like. Not cold. Not unfeeling. Just protected. A door that used to be open, that learned to close.
Why the Heart Closes
Hearts do not close for no reason. They close because they got hurt. Maybe one big thing — a betrayal, a loss, a heartbreak. Or maybe many smaller things — repeated disappointments, love that was conditional, people who were not safe.
And the heart learns. If every time you open up you get hurt, why would you keep opening? The closure is intelligent. Protective.
This closure is physical, not just emotional. The chest tightens. The muscles around the heart brace. The shoulders round forward, protecting the vulnerable front body. The breath becomes shallow — because deep breaths open the chest, and that feels dangerous.
You might notice you cannot take a full breath. You might feel tension between your shoulder blades. You might have a chronic ache in your chest that doctors cannot explain. This is armor. Body armor.
The Cost of Staying Closed
Yes, you are protected. Yes, you cannot be hurt the same way. But you also cannot fully feel. When you close off to pain, you also close off to joy. To connection. To aliveness.
The walls do not discriminate. They keep out the bad, but they also keep out the good.
You might notice a flatness. Things that used to excite you feel muted. Relationships feel surface-level. You might notice you cannot cry, or cannot let yourself be comforted when you do. You always have an exit strategy.
In relationships, this is devastating. Love requires vulnerability. If your heart is closed, you cannot fully let someone in. You can go through the motions. But there is a barrier. And the other person can feel it.
You Cannot Force the Heart Open
So how do you open a heart that learned to close? Here is what does not work: forcing it.
You cannot willpower your way to vulnerability. The heart closes for survival. The body does not release survival adaptations just because the mind says it is safe now.
I see people try this. They decide to be vulnerable and open. They try hard. They push through resistance. And then the walls come back up harder than before. Because forcing feels like danger.
So we need a different approach. Not forcing. Creating safety. Honoring the protection. Letting the heart know that opening is optional. And then, slowly, inviting. Not demanding. Inviting.
The heart opens when it feels safe. Not when it is told to.
Honoring the Armor
Before we can soften the armor, we need to honor it. That tightness saved you. Those walls were necessary.
So instead of trying to get rid of it, acknowledge it. Thank you for protecting me. I understand why you are here.
Here is the paradox: when the armor feels seen and appreciated, it often starts to relax on its own. When it does not have to fight to be there, it can soften.
Safety first. Then softening. Never the other way around.
The Breath as the Key
If there is one physical key to the guarded heart, it is the breath. When the heart closes, the breath becomes shallow. Deep breathing opens the chest, sends a signal to the nervous system: we are safe enough to expand.
But we cannot force this either. We invite it. A slightly longer exhale. A gentle expansion. Nothing dramatic. Over time, the breath can deepen. The chest can open.
A Somatic Practice
I have created a guided somatic journey for the guarded heart — not forcing anything open, but bringing gentle attention to the heart space, honoring the protection, and inviting the smallest softening.
Working Together
If you recognise yourself in this — the guarded heart, the walls, the chest that will not open — I can help. In somatic sessions, we work with where the armor lives in your body, honor why it formed, and create the conditions for safe, slow opening.
I see clients in Dublin, Naas, and Newbridge, and online across Ireland and beyond.
The heart that learned to close can learn to open again. Slowly. Safely. In its own time.
In-person: Dublin | Naas | Newbridge
Online: Ireland & Worldwide
