Picture this scenario: Someone asks you for a favor. Inside, every fiber of your being screams “NO!” – you’re overwhelmed, stretched thin, and desperately need time for yourself. But somehow, what comes out is “Of course! I’d be happy to help!”
Sound familiar? If you’ve ever wondered why the word “no” feels absolutely impossible to say, even when you desperately want to, you’re experiencing what trauma specialists call the “fawn response” – a survival mechanism that’s often disguised as being “helpful” or “nice.”
As a holistic therapist working across Ireland with individuals struggling with boundaries and people-pleasing, I want you to understand something crucial: your inability to say no isn’t a character flaw. It’s an intelligent nervous system adaptation that once kept you safe.
Understanding the Fawn Response: The Fourth Trauma Response
Most people know about fight, flight, and freeze responses to trauma. But there’s a fourth response that’s equally important yet often overlooked: fawn.
What Is Fawning?
Fawning is your nervous system’s strategy of maintaining safety through appeasing others. When your system perceives threat (which might be as subtle as potential disappointment), you automatically shift into pleasing, helping, or agreeing to avoid harm.
The logic of fawning says: “If I can just keep everyone happy, I’ll be safe. If I never disappoint anyone, I’ll never be rejected or abandoned.”
The Neuroscience Behind People-Pleasing
When you feel pressure to say yes, here’s what happens in your nervous system:
Amygdala Activation: Your brain’s alarm system interprets the request as a potential threat to your safety or belongingStress Hormone Release: Cortisol and adrenaline flood your system, creating urgency around maintaining the relationship Prefrontal Cortex Suppression: Your thinking brain goes offline, making conscious choice-making difficultAutomatic Compliance: Your nervous system chooses the familiar pattern of saying yes to avoid perceived danger
This isn’t conscious manipulation – it’s reflexive survival programming that developed when saying no genuinely was dangerous.
The Irish Cultural Context of People-Pleasing
Ireland’s cultural values around community, hospitality, and avoiding conflict can both support and complicate people-pleasing patterns. Through my work across Ulster and Northern Ireland, I see how cultural factors influence fawn responses:
Cultural Factors Affecting Boundaries
Community Obligation: Strong cultural emphasis on helping others can make saying no feel selfish Conflict Avoidance: Cultural preference for “keeping the peace” can prevent healthy boundary-setting Religious Influences:Concepts of selflessness and service can be misinterpreted as never having personal needs Gender Expectations:Different cultural pressures on men vs. women around compliance and service
Generational Patterns
Many families in Ireland carry patterns of:
- Children who were expected to care for adult emotions
- Survival strategies based on not causing problems
- Love that felt conditional on good behavior
- Economic hardship that required family sacrifice
These patterns create nervous systems primed for fawning as a survival strategy.
Recognizing Your Fawn Response Patterns
The fawn response shows up in various ways, many of which are praised by society as “being nice” or “helpful”:
Behavioral Signs
- Automatic “yes” responses before considering your capacity
- Difficulty identifying your own needs and preferences
- Over-apologizing for normal human needs
- Anticipating others’ needs before they ask
- Feeling guilty when you’re not helping someone
Physical Signs
- Tightness in chest or throat when someone asks for something
- Rapid heartbeat during potential conflict
- Feeling smaller or younger when asserting needs
- Digestive issues or anxiety around boundary-setting
- Chronic fatigue from overgiving
Emotional Signs
- Resentment after saying yes to things you didn’t want to do
- Fear of disappointing others outweighing your own needs
- Feeling loved only when you’re useful
- Anxiety about being “selfish” or “mean”
- Depression from chronic self-abandonment
The Somatic Roots of People-Pleasing
From a somatic perspective, people-pleasing lives in your body as much as your mind. Your nervous system has learned to prioritize others’ emotional states over your own internal signals.
How Fawning Develops
Early Childhood Programming: If you grew up in an environment where love felt conditional on your behavior, your nervous system learned that your safety depended on keeping others happy. Maybe:
- Your caregivers were overwhelmed and you became the helper
- Love was withdrawn when you expressed needs or boundaries
- You were praised for being “good” and “never causing problems”
- Family stability seemed to depend on your compliance
Nervous System Adaptation: Your young nervous system made a brilliant adaptation: “If I always please others, I’ll be safe, loved, and belonging.” This strategy worked beautifully when you were genuinely dependent and vulnerable.
Adult Consequences: Now your adult life is being run by childhood survival programming that may no longer serve you.
Your Body’s Internal Guidance System
Here’s something profound: your body always tells you the truth about what serves you and what doesn’t. But if you learned early that your internal signals were dangerous, you may have shut down this guidance system entirely.
Let’s reconnect with your body’s wisdom:
Authentic “Yes” Body Sensations:
- Breathing deepens and relaxes
- Chest opens and expands
- Energy increases or feels bright
- Posture naturally straightens
- Sense of alignment and flow
Authentic “No” Body Sensations:
- Breathing becomes shallow or restricted
- Chest tightens or contracts
- Energy drains or feels heavy
- Shoulders tense or rise
- Sense of resistance or pulling back
Somatic Techniques for Boundary Setting and Healing People-Pleasing
Healing the Fawn Response: A Somatic Approach
Healing people-pleasing requires more than just deciding to set boundaries. You need to work with your nervous system’s protective patterns and develop new ways of feeling safe while honoring your authentic needs.
Step 1: Awareness Without Judgment
Start by noticing your people-pleasing patterns without trying to change them. Observe:
- When do you automatically say yes?
- What does your body feel like in these moments?
- What fears arise when you consider saying no?
- Who are you most likely to fawn with?
Step 2: Building Internal Safety
Before you can set external boundaries, you need to feel safe internally. Practice:
Grounding Techniques:
- Feel your feet on Irish soil when outdoors
- Place hands on your body to self-soothe
- Use 5-4-3-2-1 sensory awareness
- Connect with your breath as an anchor
Self-Compassion Practices:
- Speak to yourself as you would a dear friend
- Recognize that your people-pleasing developed for good reasons
- Practice phrases like “It makes sense that I learned to survive this way”
Step 3: The Sacred Pause
Instead of automatically responding to requests, practice inserting space:
The PAUSE Technique: When someone asks something of you, place your hand on your heart and say: “Let me think about that and get back to you.”
This simple phrase creates space for you to:
- Check in with your body’s authentic response
- Consider your actual capacity
- Choose your response consciously rather than reactively
Step 4: Graduated Boundary Practice
Start with low-stakes situations to build your nervous system’s tolerance for disappointing others:
Small Boundaries:
- Declining food when you’re not hungry
- Saying no to low-priority social events
- Expressing preferences about small things (where to eat, what to watch)
Medium Boundaries:
- Declining extra work when you’re at capacity
- Expressing disagreement with opinions
- Asking for your needs to be considered
Larger Boundaries:
- Ending relationships that require constant self-sacrifice
- Changing roles that demand chronic people-pleasing
- Addressing family patterns that require you to manage others’ emotions
Working with the Fear Underneath
Every compulsive “yes” has a fear underneath. Common fears include:
Fear of Abandonment
“If I disappoint them, they’ll leave me.”
Somatic Work: Practice feeling your own presence and connection to yourself. You can’t be abandoned by yourself.
Fear of Being “Selfish”
“Good people always put others first.”
Reframe: Self-care isn’t selfish – it’s necessary for sustainable giving and authentic relationships.
Fear of Conflict
“If I say no, they’ll be angry and there will be conflict.”
Somatic Work: Practice staying grounded in your body during minor disagreements to build tolerance for conflict.
Fear of Being Rejected
“If I’m not useful, I won’t be loved.”
Healing: Develop relationships where you’re valued for who you are, not what you do.
The Irish Context of Boundary Setting
Setting boundaries in Irish culture requires sensitivity to community values while honoring your authentic needs:
Boundary Setting in Irish Context
Family Dynamics: Using language like “I want to help, and I need to make sure I can do it well” rather than flat refusalWorkplace Boundaries: Addressing Ireland’s culture of going above and beyond while protecting your wellbeingCommunity Relationships: Contributing to community while not sacrificing your health Cultural Sensitivity: Honoring Irish values of helpfulness while preventing exploitation
Language That Works in Irish Culture
Instead of harsh “no’s,” try:
- “I wish I could help, but I don’t have the capacity right now”
- “That sounds important – I won’t be able to give it the attention it deserves”
- “I appreciate you thinking of me, but I need to pass on this one”
- “Let me see what I can realistically manage”
Healing the Fawn Response in Relationships
People-pleasing affects all your relationships, often creating patterns where others become accustomed to your constant availability and accommodation.
Romantic Relationships
Common Patterns:
- Losing yourself in relationships
- Attracting partners who take advantage of your giving nature
- Conflict avoidance that builds resentment
- Difficulty expressing needs and preferences
Healing Approaches:
- Practice expressing small preferences regularly
- Work on staying connected to yourself during relationship decisions
- Address fear of partner’s disappointment or anger
- Develop capacity for healthy conflict resolution
Family Relationships
Common Patterns:
- Being the family caretaker or mediator
- Difficulty individuating from family expectations
- Carrying responsibility for family members’ emotions
- Repeating childhood people-pleasing patterns
Healing Approaches:
- Set loving boundaries with family members
- Practice not managing others’ disappointment
- Develop your own identity separate from family roles
- Address generational patterns with compassion
Friendships
Common Patterns:
- One-sided friendships where you always give
- Difficulty saying no to social obligations
- Attracting people who drain your energy
- Feeling valued only when you’re helpful
Healing Approaches:
- Practice reciprocal friendships
- Notice which friends respect your boundaries
- Develop friendships based on mutual enjoyment, not just helping
- Set limits on your availability
Professional Relationships
Common Patterns:
- Taking on excessive workload
- Difficulty negotiating salary or benefits
- Saying yes to projects beyond your job description
- Avoiding necessary workplace conflicts
Healing Approaches:
- Practice professional boundary language
- Document your actual job responsibilities
- Ask for thinking time before taking on additional work
- Develop allies who support healthy workplace boundaries
The Body’s Wisdom in Boundary Setting
Your body knows what serves you and what doesn’t. Learning to trust your somatic guidance is crucial for sustainable boundary setting.
Developing Body-Based Decision Making
Before Responding to Requests:
- Place your hand on your heart
- Take three deep breaths
- Ask your body: “Does this feel like a yes or a no?”
- Trust the first response without analyzing it
- Respond from that authentic place
Body Signals for Healthy Boundaries:
- You feel energized rather than drained by your commitments
- Your “yes” responses come from desire rather than obligation
- You can be generous without feeling resentful
- Your body feels relaxed rather than chronically tense
Professional Support for People-Pleasing Recovery
While some boundary work can be done independently, deeper healing often benefits from professional support, especially when:
- People-pleasing is connected to complex trauma
- You experience severe anxiety when setting boundaries
- Relationships consistently feel one-sided despite your efforts
- You feel lost about who you are beneath the people-pleasing
Therapeutic Approaches That Help
Somatic Therapy: Working directly with nervous system patterns and body-based boundary setting Internal Family Systems: Healing the parts of you that learned to fawn for safety
Attachment Therapy: Addressing early relational wounds that created people-pleasing patterns Cognitive Behavioral Therapy: Changing thought patterns that drive compulsive helping Family Systems Therapy: Addressing generational and family patterns
As a holistic therapist practicing across Ireland, I integrate these approaches to help clients develop authentic boundaries while honoring their caring nature.
The Difference Between Helping and People-Pleasing
Not all helping is people-pleasing. The key differences:
Healthy Helping
- Comes from authentic desire to contribute
- Considers your actual capacity
- Doesn’t create resentment
- Maintains your own wellbeing
- Can be declined without guilt
People-Pleasing (Fawning)
- Driven by fear of rejection or conflict
- Ignores your capacity and needs
- Creates resentment and depletion
- Sacrifices your wellbeing for others’ comfort
- Feels impossible to decline
Daily Practices for Boundary Development
Healing people-pleasing requires daily practice in connecting with your authentic responses:
Morning Practices
- Set intentions for honoring your needs today
- Practice saying “no” to low-stakes morning requests
- Check in with your body’s energy levels and capacity
Throughout the Day
- Pause before automatically agreeing to requests
- Notice your body’s responses to various situations
- Practice expressing small preferences and opinions
Evening Practices
- Reflect on moments when you honored vs. ignored your boundaries
- Celebrate any progress in authentic responding
- Discharge any guilt about disappointing others through movement or breathing
Weekly Practices
- Review your commitments and energy levels
- Practice saying no to one thing that doesn’t truly serve you
- Engage in activities purely for your own enjoyment
Long-Term Recovery from People-Pleasing
Healing the fawn response is a gradual process that unfolds over time:
The Recovery Journey
Months 1-3: Awareness Building Recognizing people-pleasing patterns without judgment
Months 3-9: Skill Development Learning to pause, check in with your body, and express boundaries
Months 6-18: Pattern Interruption Consistently choosing authentic responses over automatic compliance
Months 12-24: Relationship Changes Experiencing shifts in relationships as you maintain boundaries
Years 2+: Integration Living from authentic choice rather than fear-based compliance
Supporting Others in Boundary Development
If someone in your life is learning to set boundaries:
How to Support Them
- Respect their “no” gracefully
- Don’t guilt them for disappointing you
- Appreciate their authenticity over their compliance
- Model healthy boundary setting yourself
What Not to Do
- Don’t take their boundaries personally
- Don’t try to convince them to change their mind
- Don’t punish them for no longer people-pleasing
- Don’t exploit their recovering tendency to over-give
The Ripple Effects of Boundary Healing
When you heal people-pleasing patterns, the effects extend far beyond your personal relationships:
Personal Benefits
- Increased energy and vitality
- Clearer sense of identity and preferences
- Improved self-esteem and self-respect
- Better physical and mental health
- More authentic relationships
Relationship Benefits
- Attraction to healthier, more reciprocal partnerships
- Family relationships based on mutual respect rather than obligation
- Friendships with people who value your whole self
- Professional relationships with appropriate boundaries
Generational Benefits
- Modeling healthy boundaries for children
- Breaking cycles of codependency and people-pleasing
- Creating family cultures where everyone’s needs matter
- Contributing to cultural shift toward mutual respect
Conclusion: From People-Pleasing to Authentic Connection
Your people-pleasing patterns developed as an intelligent adaptation to environments where your safety depended on keeping others happy. The young part of you that learned to fawn was brilliant at reading emotional cues and maintaining connection in whatever way was possible.
Now, as an adult with resources and choices, you can honor this adaptive part while expanding your options. You can be caring and generous from choice rather than compulsion. You can contribute to others’ wellbeing while maintaining your own.
Remember: saying no to what doesn’t serve you is saying yes to what does. Every boundary you set from authenticity rather than fear creates space for genuine connection, sustainable giving, and relationships built on mutual respect rather than one-sided sacrifice.
Your needs matter. Your preferences are valid. Your boundaries are not selfish – they’re necessary.
You don’t have to earn love through constant giving. You’re worthy of care, consideration, and respect simply because you exist.
The path from people-pleasing to authentic connection isn’t always easy, but it’s profoundly healing – not just for you, but for everyone in your life who gets to experience the real you, boundaries and all.
Abi Beri is a holistic therapist and family constellations facilitator practicing in Ireland, specializing in trauma healing, nervous system regulation, and somatic therapy approaches to digital wellness, freeze responses, and boundary setting. Through his integrative practice across Ulster and Ireland, he helps clients heal from trauma patterns and develop authentic, healthy relationships with themselves and others. Find his healing content on YouTube, SoundCloud, Spotify, and Insight Timer.
